Back in the year 2000, I quit smoking cigarettes. Cold Turkey. While the quitting was tough, I made it through to the other side. For thirteen years I went smoke-free. Then, I had a backsliding episode. If you’re a nicotine addict, you know of what I speak. Stressful times, weak moments, friends smoking around me, bumming a light.
After that episode, I beat it back again for several more years. I don’t know if you’ve experienced this, but for some reason, the cigarette demon is stronger than even the coke demon. Never will coke come into my life again. If nothing else, of that I am certain. But nicotine is different. It never surrenders. The battle wanes at times, but it is never over. I know I can beat the demon, but in the interim, it puts up one helluva fight.
There were some stressful times this last year. I backslid again. As you have gleaned, this is not a new fight. Let me share something I wrote a few years ago…
Demons of Addiction
We wrestle our own demons daily.
I have conquered a few.
A few I have tolerated.
Today, they snarl and move on.
Cocaine is a demon straight from hell.
It grabbed me and held me.
I fought it with everything.
I won, but its scars remain.
Alcohol is a fun demon that killed my folks.
We wrestle on occasion.
I respect her strength.
She laughs when she leaves me sick.
Cigarette Demon has held the longest.
But he comes seductively,
when I am weakest.
He’s gone, but warns he may come back.
There is a counter to this evil,
when I choose to call upon It.
He will hold a shield before me,
then the demons snarl and hiss,
coil in fear, and move on…
© Original Copyright 2012 JL Mo. All rights reserved.
© Copyright 2017 JL Mo. All rights reserved.
The demons of addiction are a very real experience. To those of you who have never suffered such affliction, I commend you. The ones who are here, who read this, and relate, you know your demons. Alcohol, tobacco, weed, coke, whatever name it takes. When we find ourselves weak and wrestling with the desire, we are looking right into the eyes of our demon. Should we remember our prayers (meditation, aura seeking, etc.) we can gain strength. But, in the midst of the fight, we might lose touch with that peace.
It makes no difference that people tell us they’ve gotten through this and it was no big deal. This is our personal demon. Personal Big Deal. We beg our loved ones to be patient with us. Be strong for us. We need your strength. You are our light to the other side (Thank you, Dart). To be tobacco-free is our guiding beacon.
Some former addicts are stronger and never allow weakness to show. It is an embarrassing debilitation for them. If that’s how they adapt, then all the better for them. I am not such an animal. My need for prayers and support is palpable.
My last cigarette was 10:25pm, October 25, 2017.
Thank you, my friends. With your support, I can do this. Again.
Please join in my prayer for Never Again.
JL Mo is a mother of two full grown geeks, and Nana to their geeks-in-training. She is also the author of the McShane Mini-Mystery series, and has had a number of stories published in various anthologies which can be accessed on her Amazon Author Page.